I found my workbook/diary from when I was on the ward, and reading through it made me kinda sad. It’s so awful reading all these things I wrote about how I felt about myself and my life then. I had nothing but utter contempt for myself. To speak such things about any other person would be vile. I still obviously still share some of those sentiments to some degree, but even reading it now evidences just how all-consuming and overwhelming they were back then. There was no resistance, they filled every part of me - I believed them with complete sincerity. It’s also been a reminder of how far I’ve come (even with the massive anxiety flare-up in the past week) and my desire to try and avoid going back there at all costs. Of course, life (and these illnesses) sometimes have other plans in mind. They really fuck with you, and grind you down - relentlessly testing you. But I will continue to strive as long as I can even when it fucking hurts like hell, and even when it feels hopeless.
sudden onset of severe, constant anxiety/what the beginning of a nervous breakdown feels like; see also - how to have your life come crashing down and undo all the progress you made in the past 5 years in under a week.
my anxiety is so bad today and i don’t know whyyyyyyy, adrenalin level has been up all day and i had a pretty big panic attack in the car on the way home from the coast (which i somehow managed to half control??) and now i’m having the weird arrhythmia, close to stopping breathing thing. fuck off body. i need something to help me calm down, because i’m in this vicious cycle of like subconscious, bubbling worry/anxiety which gives me the aforementioned physical symptoms, which then make me worried i’m dying or some such, and then i worry more, rinse repeat. blegh.